back to basics

why?

2009-05-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

after 2 years of silence and attempts to heal, the wound has been opened again.

in 2006, my only living brother (the other one died in a car accident in 1991) told me and my dad that he was about to marry. it was a girl whom he had been dating for i think over a year or two (i don't really remember as we rarely see her anyway). we then scheduled the pamanhikan, but we were given a gag order?!?
1. not to talk about the wedding
2. not to talk about them
3. not to talk about their future lives
hmmm... isn't this what is talked about during the pamanhikan? that actual occasion was super awkward.
i was then also cautioned not to help out in their wedding (i was not even offering any help) and so i didn't except in times where my brother asked for help. besides with a newborn baby, a toddler and 2 teenagers, i don't think i can handle such anyway. they even wanted mike, my husband, to be the emcee, but not including me. (of course, mike didn't agree).

i know what you're thinking... why? i wish i knew the answer. my brother and i are not particularly close though we are survivors of a fatal car crash which killed my mom and brother. but we are still siblings. we had no big reason to fight but we could have been closer. with my sil, hmm, i don't know her enough to even talk about her. as i said, we meet very rarely and we don't even talk much; hence, i do not see any reason for such and most specially what happens next.

wedding happened in december. by january, i was surprised to see her part of a network which she told me before her wedding she didn't want to join ("as it is only for those who do not know what they are doing"). so many messages were sent that were obviously meant to throw potshots at me. some examples (not verbatim):
1. denied us visa - she said i misrepresented myself or showed wrong documents
2. picture company (where we have tons of pictures with)- she said there is someone in the family who keeps on going there but have ugly pictures
3. stay at home mom - calls them 'losyang' and no brainers
and many more...

at the start, i never took offense nor replied back. however, friends (of course i had friends there, i'd been part of that network over 4 years at that time and had a chance to meet a lot of them through my breastfeeding work, balloons and events sideline) started noticing why this person keeps on saying bad things about what i am, what i do or where i'm at. i then felt the need to defend myself and sent messages only to defend, not to attack... it was getting overboard already.

by march, she hit quite some buttons already which offended my whole family... attacking even my husband. at this point, we decided to talk with my dad only for 2 reasons:
1. that my sil and i are not in good terms, and
2. that we will stay away first to avoid further confrontations and heal.
i did not even give details to my dad. against my wishes, my dad talked with my brother about it and my brother sent an apology email, though he still justified the wrong acts of the wife by saying that this is how she grew up in..

this could have ended here even if we felt that we were not given justice.

but it didn't. the day after the apology, she did 2 nasty things:
1. over my brother's apology email, sent an email to me, my husband, my dad & my stepmom saying that my brother, her husband, has no right to talk for her and that she is not sorry for what she's done... duh? doesn't the bible talk about submission? that was a big insult to my brother. and not sorry for what she's done?... hmm talk about barking at the wrong tree.. (or so i thought)
2. wrote a devilish email to the yahoogroups (this was a network 1000+ filipinos all over the world) calling me "whitney tyson" (talk about insulting the person), presumes i am competing with her calling me OLD (don't you just compete with people who are more successful than you), called me mayabang, talked about my upbringing and how i got pregnant at a young age and was left by my ex husband (an insult to my upbringing is an insult to my mom who brought us up very well. besides, she doesn't know the story behind me marrying early and annuling. with such a background, after falling on the ground, picking up the pieces and rising up again, do you call that "mayabang"). the rest is so disgusting you don't even wanna hear about it...

again, where is this coming from? i have no idea. i rarely see them and in the few times we do, she continually throws verbal potshots at me which even my elder sons have noticed already...

this was too much then. i responded to the group and introduced myself and forwarded her email to family and friends to show them what kind of a person this is...

i have always shown support to my family. but in this time when i needed their support, they failed to give it to me... hence, i chose to stick with friends who knew who i was and were willing to fight for me. it felt like i was being dragged down to the mud and my relatives cannot even offer a hand to me; lest, still have the guts to be nice to the person who did it to me... why?

we chose to continue being in family gatherings, asked help from a few relatives to have a confrontation and put a stop to all this. but nobody wanted to take a stand. they chose to be silent about it and "ayaw makialam". why?

they are prodding that i be the one to make ammends since i am the older one... for heaven's sake, my brother and i are both grown up now. until when should i adjust to him? when will he learn to ever fend for himself? i know that it is his responsibility to defend his wife, but i guess he also has a moral responsibility to his family to protect them from slanderous people who intends to hurt. besides, you don't have to like your in laws but you still have to respect them, right?

as the sundays, months, years went by, after so many attempts to talk with my brother and him cancelling on me, it already became overly unbearable to see her face, looking so 'meek' and 'kind', kissing relatives and exchanging stories...either they are plastic, or they have agreed to what she has done and all she has said... which is which? why? i noticed i have a physical reaction to her presence... she makes me puke.... 'nakakasuka', yuck!

still, i pray for forgiveness and acceptance. i have learned to live on my own, disconnect myself from non supportive people, and just continue living our lives. i was working on trying to understand why the people i love, my relatives, chose to act this way and not support me... why?

after over 2 years though, she has not stopped. i heard again slanderous things she has been saying, even to strangers, about us.
1. that my face looks like this because i was bitten by a dog (what's wrong with my face?)
2. "pareho lang sila ng mommy niya" (huh, she never even met my mom. this i got angry, "pag mommy na pinag usapan, walang ganyanan...")
3. that i owe her so much money (fyi, my brother asked me to safekeep money given to us by my dad. my dad has already given to them even more than this amount, hence, i don't owe them, i owe my dad)
4. that we do not have food in the house (hmm... so how come the friends of my kids are always here, overnighters, some even staying for long periods of time, like months)
5. that mike is not earning any money and that businesses have flopped (talk about proper etiquette, aren't you not supposed to talk about money and all)
6. that i only make friends with the rich (i have very poor friends too. i have some rich ones too, is this my fault. in fact, i have many friends)
so many more...

i mentioned this but not in detail to my lola and tita who were asking about how we were. apparently, it reached my dad's knowledge. despite this, he got angry with the person who squealed, not on my brother's wife. why? why? why?

i pray for answers and for forgiveness. i know that in the end, the LORD will vindicate us. but for now, i need to be more patient, get strength from people who feel i really matter in this world.

as for my brother, i miss him and love him dearly but we have to disconnect to protect ourselves. our doors are not closed when they decide to humble themselves and knock. they have a new baby now and i wish the baby well... my dad has been prompting me to help them, i called them but still said they don't need help. how can you help someone not asking for help?

yet, my dad still feels i am the one who needs to give way. why? i don't understand. can't he feel the stab wounds this girl has been giving me?

i pray the day of vindication comes soon... before all the hurt and anger goes away and i will feel nothing.

i pray that my sons do not have wives like her who will insult my daughter nor any one in my family. i also pray that if situations like this happen to my sons, they can handle it well by putting their foot down in matters such as these..

i pray... i believe... but for so long now, my heart is asking... why?

ninakawan kami!

2008-01-18T15:13:00.000-08:00

i had to say it in tagalog because it sounds more emphatic that way...

this had been a crazy week for us. last friday, early am, our house had been entered by a robber who got some very valuable gadgets including my mac ibook g4, psp, my son's new cellphone, the same son's new adidas backpack, the same son's new mp4 (mostly his christmas gifts) and my husband's canon eos300 (which was one of our best wedding gifts).

the previous night had been busy for me since without a maid, i was doing a lot of housechores, the yaya was with jm & mike helping out with kyle. they played in the balcony for a while before sleeping. around 4am (i finished in the washing machine about 2am already), i had this instinct to check on my 2 big boys in their room right after a breastfeeding session with kyle. i didn't understand why as normally i am too tired to get up. i looked at them sleep for a while wondering how they had grown up so fast, now 14 & 12... then, i went back inside the room, went to the restroom for a while and slept at the foot of the bed (where i thought, now i can have a better sleeping position, i normally sleep between jm & kyle and most of the night feeding kyle which makes my back ache). a few minutes after i lay down, i heard my younger son screaming. i ran out thinking they were again arguing / fighting. the first words my eldest told me was, "ma, ninakawan tayo." i woke mike up and then saw the balcony door swung open. my heart sank when i saw the laptop missing. the cellphone & mp4 were easy to replace though the sentimental value of those being gifts were hard for my 2nd son. the psp, aside from it's value and being a gift to my husband, was painful to lose for my eldest son as he just spent about 4t on upgrading the unit, buying a 4gb memory stick and loading games plus new accessories.

good thing it was only some items... the new macbook was still there, our portable dvd player and stuff downstairs (mike's laptop, all our cellphones, ipod, my camera and photoprinter among others. obviously the robber climbed up our balcony and found the door open (maybe it wasn't pushed well when it was closed). half of me was thankful that all of us were safe and only a few items are lost. but the other half was scared because the psp and cellphone was just near the heads of my sleeping kids...

sunday morning, mike found out his camera was missing. this made the feeling worse. the last backup i made in the laptop was september so we lost all pictures thereafter plus some very important files. there are also pictures from the holidays in mike's camera which have not yet been downloaded....

barangay, then police, then soco came... but what do you expect? we have clear suspects but none was done...

i'm totally excited in moving to a condo in 2 months and migrating in a few years.... really, i understand that everything has a purpose.

jm passed big school

2007-11-22T14:27:00.000-08:00

last tuesday, i postponed our cell group meeting. importantly to give way to jm's entrance exam at csa. i made sure he was able to take a good nap and lunch. his exam time was 2pm and was quite excited to go.
coming from makati med until 12nn, i passed by moa to exchange the damaged part of kyle's new high chair (bought last saturday) and have a quick kfc lunch which i craved for. left at 1pm and was expecting to arrive by 1:30. was on track with time as i got to bicutan exit by 1:15 but lo and behold, it took me more than 40 minutes to get out of that @#&^%!
we left home at 1:55, took skyway at lightning speed (there were no speed patrols, whew!) arrived in csa by 2:10. just in time actually. interview sheet said 2:15pm. jm was excited as he got out of the car, but started to shy away when he was being asked to step in the library of the kp dept alone...
it took kyle to go inside with a teacher (looked like she was the one taking the exam) and razel sweet talking jm to get in there. after 10 minutes, jm got out, shyness left him and was talking non stop again.
yes, he is in! payments needed to be made (full payment at that, thanks to credit cards that give a month before paying) to reserve the am slot 8-1030. jm won't survive the afternoon slot 12-230 as that's smacked in the middle of his nap time.
jm is an augustinian...like mommy, kuya ira & kuya tristan. who would have thought the answer to searching for the right school was this simple :)

merry christmas from the yabots

2007-11-19T13:39:00.001-08:00

it's christmas season... and we have prepared for this one... our house is full of christmas decors...sort of like a goodbye, it's our last christmas at this home...
gifts are all wrapped awaiting their tags which are to be printed soon... sending cards to relatives and friends far away using the above photo. so excited to give them all away.
it was a difficult christmas pictorial at picture company... but as always...worth it!

i've been hacked

2007-11-19T13:32:00.000-08:00

it's been over a month since i noticed that my web has been going hayward. first, my mail account. initially, i thought that there was just a problem with yahoo since i was being deleted from yahoogroups. after having been unsubscribed 2x and resubscribed again, i then began to notice that this coudln't have been a virus. a whole folder was missing and certain emails regarding a particular person and topic. by this time, i also noticed that all the yahoo groups i have been dismembered had in one way or the other, connections with this **$%@!!

then, my webshots. i just posted kyle's birthday pictures and our is trip which was a lot of pictures. i update that regularly so we have over 2 years worth of pictures there. the last post was pictures of our house and the stuff we were selling. one time, an interested buyer just texted me that there should be an error with the web address that i gave. because it says "no uploaded photos". i checked right away and voila! all my photos are gone... with captions, etc.

then now this blog. so many posts are missing... the picture company, kyle's birthday preparation, our us trip, etc. etc.. etc...

i must be one hell of an important person for someone to hack me. but whoever it was, i sure wish lightning strike at this very moment. nonetheless, i know that the Lord will vindicate those who obey...

new imac

2007-11-18T15:13:00.000-08:00

we have a new imac and it's pretty! 20" screen, and super fast 2.4ghz. cost us a lot but looks like it's well worth it. quite excited specially for iphoto because of ilife 08 and finally, i have adobe photoshop cs2 loaded in a good computer (meaning it won't crash while i'm editing). also, no need to deal with neo office anymore, back to ms office word, excel and powerpoint... i'm back to nice presentations :)

we haven't really tested it's full potential but i'm enjoying checking my mail and writing this blog. this is a great christmas gift for the whole family. even jm enjoys just watching me type now :)

gotta rush though. need to rush to makati med and see some newborn mommies :)

mini updates

2007-11-07T04:35:00.000-08:00

hectic times...busy days!

1st on list - new church!
we've finally found a church we all enjoy. after ira attended one of the teen workshops last year, it has really been on our minds but the final push was the invitation of a very famous personality, cb. don't get me wrong! we didn't go there because of her. just found out during one of our meetings that she goes to church there and i was quite impressed with the warmth that she has shown. from inviting us to a whole family clan lunch at the canteen (which turned out to be very enjoyable despite its plain-ness), to saving us front row seats, to giving me numerous christian books and a mom's devotional bible. she also invited me to attend her ladies cell group and the couple's cell group (which is currently being worked out). ira and tristan have also found one that they enjoy, a youth service that caters to teens. too bad jm is not yet in sunday school. so happened that the service we attend is taglish; hence, he cannot understand the sunday school. i guess we'll have to shift him to another time. nonetheless, he enjoys attending and singing praises with us. he even laughs at some of the pastor's antics (as if he understands). ira and tristan have also been inviting their friends to attend youth service on saturdays plus a cell group right after. we really don't want to miss any service as we enjoy and get to learn a lot about our faith...

kyle...as she grows
kyle will be 15 months old tomorrow. with one length hair covering her eyes and upto her nose (we don't want to cut bangs because if we do, it'll have to be bangs all the way), she is now enjoying a lot of stylish clothes (which i got from the states plus some hand me downs from cousins sam & bettina and of course, gifts from her birthday). she is now able to do baby signs for airplane, milk, more, bird, cat, dog...point out to all her body parts when called out... say daddy, mama, kuya, yaya, tita and a lot of sound effects...eats anything that is put on her mouth (except yogurt...which is quite opposite from kuya jm. still breastfed. walks very fast but sometimes still wobbly. loves baby einstein and little einstein (with kuya jm). still 4 teeth but we see another 4 peeping out. hugs and kisses generously. really a sweetheart to a brood of kuyas.

starstruck!
being with a famous personality tends to lift your feet off the ground. but i am amazed at her humility, warmth and open heartedness. seemed too good to be true. but it really is happening. life changing for us as it changed the way i see myself, introduced us to a church that will unite our whole family and helps me with my advocacy with her good publicity. i'm giving her some milk for her cute little s and would try to do so until he is 6 months old. cannot promise though as my milk is also dwindling and i have to donate sometimes to sick infants in makati med.

doctor?
speaking of makati med, i now work as a consultant, giving breastfeeding advice to all moms who gave birth there. i am totally enjoying my job. imagine, doing my advocacy, getting paid for it without moving too much around. this way, i am also able to reach more moms and catch them at that most crucial stage of just gave birth. i also wear a white coat (courtesy of cb) and is most of the time called mistakenly as doctor (which is music to my ears). who would have thought that after turning my back from medicine about 15 years ago, i would still work in a hospital.. haha! but more than anything, breastfeeding is truly the way to go... and i need to do something to make the numbers go higher.

jm soon in csa...
after that gymboree experience, we tried putting him back to playschool but really doesn't enjoy it at all. so, we tried kumon which he seems to be liking very much. since we're also moving to taguig, very near csa, and no plans of permanent stay in the philippines, we are now seriously considering csa. that way, kuyas are there too. besides, i know with his personality, he can thrive in a big, traditional school. of course, i will still keep the esteban option open.

business opportunities
aside from selling stuff here and there, i see 2 opportunities which may click very well. the first is with cb and anj, to open a niche baby store. the 2nd is to open a woman wellness center which can offer pregnancy, lactation massage, breastfeeding help, etc with ninang dona.

adoption...full steam ahead
all papers now ready for ira and tristan's change in surname. just awaiting new submission of documents of mike (the first ones have expired already) then we can expect their names changed next year... yahoo!

christmas in my home
since it's our last christmas at this beautiful house, we are making the most of it. set up our christmas tree during the last week of october and gifts almost complete and wrapped. we are excited yet feel a bit nostalgic. but i know, everything will be for the better :)

The Power of Rebuking the Devil in Jesus Name

2007-09-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

Psalm 52

Why do you boast of evil, you might man?
Why do you boast all day long,
you who are a disgrace in the eyes of God?
Your tongue plots destruction;
it is like a sharpened razor, you who practice deceit.
You love evil rather than good, falsehood rather than speaking the truth.
You love every harmful word, O you deceitful tongue!

Surely God will bring you down to everlasting ruin:
He will snatch you up and tear you from your tent;
he will uproot you from the land of the living.
The righteous will see and fear;
they will laugh at him, saying,
“Here now is the man who did not make God his stronghold
but trusted in his great wealth and grew strong by destroying others!”

But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God;
I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever.
I will praise you forever for what you have done;
in your name I will hope, for your name is good.
I will praise you in the presence of your saints.

an encounter with the devil

2007-09-23T16:29:00.000-07:00

don't get me wrong! i did not have an encounter with the devil himself. but probably an apprentice, spreading evil deeds.

we were having a good time when it suddenly felt warm. actually, warm is an understatement, more like scorching hot is the term i'm looking for. i was forcing the rest of my lunch down my throat but couldn't. so, i asked everyone to pack away and ready to leave.

the rest of the day was a true test of what i have learned in my past prayer groups. the first time i ever joined, the topic was on forgiveness. after the bible reading, i asked the pastor, how can you forgive someone who is not asking for forgiveness? nor feel any remorse for what has happened? the answer was presented to me in a very clear way... forgiveness is not about the other party... it's about you... yes, it's about me. it does not have anything to do with the aggressor...or in this case, the devil. once, i have learned to forgive, i will be able to break away from my self-made cage, release all my anger and continue my work as a child of God. and that i am working on right now... but still a work in progress, i admit.

i know that forgiveness will come...in God's grace. but i also know that things have forever changed. old relationships are closed. new relationships may open, but remain to be uncertain. we are, in fact, intelligent beings who do not go back to a burning flame once you're hurt pretty bad.... that's how He made us so.

it's just sad because i had to lose a relationship that has been with me since my childhood and through all our family trials... but that is life and i guess another thing to ask for aside from forgiveness...is acceptance.

changes...constant in life

2007-09-23T16:02:00.000-07:00

the only constant thing in life is change...

without change, you are a decaying being!

it is true! that is why even our faith tells us to be detached...from all wordly things.

we, as a family, are embarking on milestones... in a nutshell, we are selling the house, moving to a condo, preparing for migrating. alongside that, we have moved to a new church and getting a new car soon! ira and tristan's adoption to being true yabot kids are well underway too...

definitely, excitement is in the air. but we can't erase some hesitation, anticipation and anxiety as well. every now and then, i look at our house and remember that this is mike & mine's 1st house, designed and built by ourselves, all that joy, hardship, disagreements, trials, problems etc... i will definitely miss my kitchen, my workspace, built in cooking equipment. i just try to remind myself of all the positive things... nearer csa & makati (less gasoline and no more toll fees), smaller house means smaller place to maintain and lower overhead cost, nice recreational are (pool, clubhouse, the works!) and of course, the ultimate goal... going to canada!

why? don't we love the philippines? that is not true. we are in fact true filipinos. however, our love for country is small compared to our love for our children. and we believe that they will have better shots at the future in another place. if we are selfish to just think of ourselves, we will never decide to leave. we are living a comfortable life, have helpers to do the housework, have good vacation spots and excellent weather for leisure... but again, our priority is to give the kids their best future :)

i am so happy with where we are now. there are some sad parts which i have decided to close already. i've done my efforts yet no response. so i guess HE is telling me now to move on and live our lives to the fullest possible... and we are taking that cue :)

VINDICATED :)

2007-04-23T17:16:00.000-07:00

this is such a glorious feeling! after 4 months of constantly being under fire for i don't know why, i've finally been redeemed of all false blames, accusations & prejudices.

it actually started even way back. there would be snippets of arrogance & slander thrown against me. then, i easily brushed them aside as tactless comments by somebody much much younger. yes, i am about a decade older, but that doesn't make me OLD! i guess if experience was to be the gauge, then i would be a great grandmother by now. but i never saw that as a negative. actually, my past experiences have made me who i am... a STRONG, COMPASSIONATE, HEALED & UNCONDITIONAL LOVING person. if i may say, for me this is what it takes to be a true CHRISTIAN!

but my silence didn't stop her from casting evil on my path. joining a group i have been with for over 3 years now...where i have made so many good friends from breastfeeding counselling, birthday parties, various gatherings, etc...where i even found a good business partner, she continued to broadcast sarcastic remarks obviously pointing in my direction. at first, being the naive person that i am, i thought they were meant for somebody else. but a lot of members have noticed and have shown their concern even during the earlier months.

at one point, after so many destructive broadcasts, she hit below the belt. and even as older sister, i cannot tolerate. i decided to tell my dad, not to gain sides, but to put up a red flag and explain my husband & mine's joint decision to take a step back to cool things off. taking a step back meaning avoid confrontation and let time heal the wounds. after all, being part of a family means i have no choice but to deal with her in the future. an apology letter was sent to me.

but lo and behold, this apology was superceded. wives should be submissive and husbands should be heads of households. but with this move, she made him appear a liar and a subordinate in front of no less than his blood relatives. speaking of barking at the wrong tree huh! ranting and taking pride of past actions and putting up a very thick smokescreen of non-regret, she didn't stop at this and yet broadcasted another message to a public she does not even know. and broadcast is an understatement. the content was full of malicious intent, belligerent lies, massive sarcasm & prejudice not only to me but to others in the same boat. i was not able to read this right away with my very busy schedule. however, after facilitating a support group meeting, i found numerous missed calls and text messages asking how i was. at that point, i was surprised at what could have happened to actually have even those who are not very close to me be concerned. bits & pieces were told to me and since i was still driving, i asked my husband to check what was going on. true enough, even my husband, known for his even temper & kindness, could not take the gravity of this wrongdoing. i had to pray on my way home for guidance in taking the next steps. but definitely, i know that this time, i had to fight! and fight with grace & honor at that.

i decided to respond not to that email but to unveil the person who was hidden under a persona whom she obviously prejudged. my message was simple... "empathy is good but only 1 side has been heard. only He knows which are truths and lies. but everybody should know that i am the w...t... she is referring to and i boldly say so because i have friends there who believe in me more than the lies which were told." simple yet very STRONG! messages of empathy stopped. private support emails & apologies were sent to me, which strengthened my decision to reply. the next day, the moderator called to probe about the matter and spoke with all parties involved. she broadcasted her findings and here i felt total vindication!!! below is her mail (without the names!)

"Hi all,

First my attention was called by a fellow nawie and so I read the emails.

I was shocked and disappointed. But to get to the bottom I need to talk to both Abbie & M.... My initial assesment of the situation is M... is trying to make troubles but I need to be fair also to M... and I need to hear her side before I can conclude. But before I spoke with Melissa, I spoke with Abbie and I also spoke with R... (M... husband; Abbie's Brother). My talk with these two were pleasant and nice. I spoke with M... next and here things arent pleasant anymore. I felt she is trying to trigger Abbie to a catfight; I feel she is trying to get under Abbie's skin. I was ok with allowing her to stay basta maayos and I wil be assured the group wont be used as a venue for her to make potshots at Abbie. I know her issues with Abbie as SIL is very legit and I honestly believe she can find help in the group as such situation is not uncommon here. But consiously or unconsiously she is not trying to pave the way to fix things with Abbie, in fact the effect is otherwise. And when I asked M... about her motives sa emails niya she answered why did Abbie react eh di ibig sabihin guilty siya, for all she knows I am referring to somebody else I didnt write any names nga eh. This is then na I know there is no point in pursuing the talk. The talk was short and we ended up agreeing na she leave the group na lang.

I told R... that I will be emailing the group about this that's why they are cc'd here. If R... would still want to request us to delete all previous email regarding this topic to spare the Family from further embarrassment just let me know and we will do it. If you want to say your piece feel free to email me din privately I will forward it to the group.

Ok I dont care if Abbie's the worst person or worst in law for M... to compel her to send the emails she sent but I appreciate Abbie so much for having the grace to restrain herself in making patol in the group.

I sincerely hope the Family be able to find peace among themselves soon."

peace is an internal state of mind and i don't know about the troublemaker but we are definitely at peace, happy as usual and mindless of world worries, our full faith and trust in HIM. i just pray for my kin, that he may be enlightened and find the right path in these times of darkness. i have nothing but sisterly love for him and have never felt any grudge but always a sincere longing to be closer.

steaming mad ?!@#$*!

2007-03-25T05:37:00.000-07:00

my mom used to tell me when i was young, when i was very, very angry, i should turn my back and count slowly from 1 to 10 then say a prayer. that time, it seemed very simple to me and i have always used this tool to keep my sanity despite the evil forces working around me.
lately though, i feel i am being taunted too much and being pushed slowly off the edge. this person has been getting on my nerves and though i want to spite back, i know that it is immature, irrational & in doing so, i lose! how come there are people who can't just leave you alone and mind their own business. they endlessly try to outdo everything you do well, make sure that people notice that you're lower than they are and put you down cunningly behind your back (lest make sure that it gets to you anyway). makes you wanna forget all your humility and be proud of how far you are in all aspects of life compared to...
i guess we can only call this person one thing...insecure. yes, insecurity can make us look like we're winners yet feel like losers deep inside. only those who have a deep sense of confidence and know the true meaning of happiness can go on the daily tasks of life without ever wondering how high up the ladder they have been, not merely looking down on those following the steps but extending a hand to help everybody move up. these are the people who truly deserve respect, and of which i hope to be if i haven't been practicing yet.
but the best gauge of success is truly not how you talk to others about yourself, but how others talk about you. and i know that by this, i am way ahead and i have no need to prove this person wrong because people know who i am and what i have become and have great respect for me!

open... shut them!

2007-03-13T11:21:00.000-07:00

this is a song we normally sing to kyle during our play time. of course, we have mastered this from our monday playgroup. but yesterday, it was the first time i saw her holding up her fist and actually opening and closing it when i sing the song... it was so cute. and she was giggling the whole time i was smiling at her new discovery.

kyle just turned 7 months and though she was down for a few days with hand, foot & mouth (weird! still don't know how she got it), i'm very proud of her because she never was fussy the whole time. what's even better is she didn't contract fever and sores in her mouth nor face. concentrated lang sa legs then some in the arms and torso.

aside from this, she can also crawl very fast now and even starting to cruise, quite early for her age as most are just starting to crawl by now. when she wakes up, we normally find her standing up on her own near the head of the bed. and when we place her in the playpen, she would quickly stand up and look proud and smile at you.

so even if we missed last monday's playgroup, we still didn't miss out much on the fun because mama & yaya were her playgroup mates. we do bubble time, lap ride, parachute & of course, her favorite song now... open, shut them. open, shut them. give a little clap! clap! clap! :)

tactless? or reckless?

2007-02-20T16:53:00.000-08:00

There are many types of personalities and many different classifications as well. The best & most memorable to me is my PSI 4 personalities- controller, promoter, supporter, analyst. How do you know which you belong to? Just ask 2 questions to yourself. Are you dominant or flow with? Formal or informal. The formal dominants are the controllers, informal dominants - promoters, formal flow withs - analyst, informal flow withs - supporter. You can even still further subdivide each into 4 again making this a 16 square matrix. And depending on your present circumstances, you can shift from one personality to another. There is no wrong and right personality, just better ways to relate to people using this tool. And so I've used this for family, friends, and most specially work. I've been successful so far but my topic may fall under any square which makes it difficult to deal with.

I am a person who believes in the universe. That there is a general flow of things and there is superior being who I know as God. In making decisions, I listen to the universe. What the hell is this universe? The universe is everything surrounding you. So, if you are doing something which crosses a lot of people or circumstances, that probably means you are not listening well and heeding the signs. Whereas, the opposite would be all things in the universe in perfect harmony & peace. Among this, we have our basic instincts (which may be the universe talking to us). There are people whom we have just met yet we know that we will get along with perfectly. And then again, there are others where no matter how hard you try, you just can't get along. And these people get into your nerves with their tactless &/or reckless words and actions.

Tactless & reckless - may mean the same for some people but actually have very different meanings. While both may be hurtful, intentions make them stand from opposite sides of the spectrum. Tactlessness means saying or doing things which may hurt but don't intend to. Normally a product of wrong upbringing, miseducation or miscommunication. You'd know tactless people because after a while, you get used to their remarks and you understand that despite the words or the actions, they have a deep sense of care or even love for you.

Recklessness on the other hand is intentionally doing bad things. These are things that have been thought of and have consciousness of its gravity yet are still delivered. Most are cleverly said but have an underlying negative tone in between the lines. People like this may have a deep sense of anger towards you, themselves or the universe and trying to get back at something. This comes out as lashing out to people in public (and even private) but making sure that they are heard and felt.

I have my share of both these kinds of people, just like everybody I'm sure. Some are just acquaintances, some really close to me but unfortunately some who I have to live with for the rest of my life. I share all these concerns with my husband and surely he knows what I am talking about. After all, that's what a marriage is about, to have a companion whom you can share your thoughts with. Being the kind person that I am, I am mostly naive to reckless words & actions; hence, I ask his opinion on the matter to make sure it is not just me taking things too personally. Sometimes, even others from the outside notice it which makes it even more disgusting.

How should one do it? Be HOT! Honest, Open, Trusting. In all that you think, say & do. But remember, everything done in a gentle fashion and being conscious of ther presence of society is best for you and the universe.

So I end this post with a prayer:

Dear Lord, You have given me wonderful parents who raised me well, made me an achiever yet kept my feet on the ground, taught me humility & forgiveness. Help me understand those reckless people around me who continue to lash out on me on every opportunity they get. May you instill in their hearts the true meaning of love and sensitivity to others. After all, we are all brothers & sisters in Your Name. Thank you for my life and for all whom I love.

to wean or not to wean?

2007-02-12T19:59:00.000-08:00

this is jm, happily breastfeeding at 4 months old. he was a healthy baby boy who was way over the charts. but that was not what we were proud of in breastfeeding him exclusively, it was his immunity to sickness, advanced milestone development and calmness of a happy baby. at first, i had little goals. to breastfeed exclusively for 6 months, then 9 months, 1 year, 18 mos, 2 years and now until we're ready to wean. but when should i wean?

jm is now a happy, smart & confident 33 month old. so many people around me are advising me to wean from breastfeeding. but after breastfeeding for almost 3 years now (tandem feeding for 6 months to date), being a breastfeeding advocate turned counselor and now la leche league leader, i know that the answer to this question lies in the readiness of both the baby and the mom.

who's min requirement is 6 months but advise it is best till 2 years old. beyond that, it is still beneficial to baby. yes, it is not complete nutrition (as the baby needs to eat more solid food now) but is still superior to any formula you can see in the market. besides, baby still gets protection from sicknesses and the emotional comfort which makes him secure, confident and calm.
so why do people advise me to wean? they say jm will be too dependent on me. definitely untrue! they also say that he would have a hard time weaning and may breastfeed until his preschool years, this i am quite afraid of. some also insist that it doesn't look good anymore. hmm... maybe for some. but more that not looking good anymore, it mostly doesn't feel as good anymore.

when i gave birth to kyle, i suddenly noticed the difference in their suckling. while kyle's is gentle, sweet & loving, jm's is strong, demanding & never ending. it feels so irritating as if somebody keeps on touching you over and over and over and over again in a spot you don't like. i even try to distract myself from this sensation by scratching my leg or my arm or shoulder. but it doesn't help. it even worsens when he makes "swooping" sounds with his mouth... arggh!!! more than this, i'm losing sleep from breastfeeding him all night (he has more sessions than kyle, who almost sleeps through the night). jm now breastfeeding 8-10 times in a day, pretty close to a newborn's demanding schedule.

if it's this uncomfortable, then what's stopping me? aside from protection from illness & emotional benefits (ensures that i have private time with him also and not just with kyle), jm's solids feeding habits have deteriorated furiously over the past year. true that there was a major adjustment when kyle was born (sleeping pattern & potty training have gone berserk!) but only temporarily. what is unexcusable is that the once "independent, feeds on his own and eats anything" jm is now spoonfed by yaya, running around, taking more than an hour for a meal and is very picky with food. his diet has been reduced from a healthy 5x a day (breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner) of vegetables, meat, yogurt, cheese, cereals, etc went to rice, soup, lumpiang shanghai, fried chicken, palabok to now rice only and sometimes soup. not to blame this to breastfeeding as it's more the yaya changing feeding habits that i once established. this affects my decision to weaning as it makes me terribly guilty not to give him milk knowing that he doesn't eat enough. but is this another chicken and egg story?

last saturday, hubby & i decided to train him to eat again. he had gymboree level 6 at 12-1 and normally he would be asleep after breastfeeding at this time. but we went to have lunch at trellis, with jm in his high chair and yep... you guessed right. he barely touched his rice, played with his bulalo soup and made a lot of mess. after that, daddy went to get spaghetti at jollibee but still no luck with jm. our initial plan to stroll around bonifacio high ridge and maybe eat krispy kreme (or was this a blessing in disguise?) has now been scrapped out of frustration.

on the way home, he quietly begged for milk knowing that something was wrong. daddy firmly said no and you could see the sadness in his eyes. at this point, i was texting my peers at bf2 and asking if i was doing the right thing. he looked really weak and sad and tired already and i knew i could save him... but stopped myself. he fell asleep shortly.
when he woke up at home, he was still asking for milk but we distracted him by playing with his kuya tristan. they played with robots and told him he needed energy. this was the magic word. he started eating spaghetti by himself until he almost finished the whole serving. after this, his reward was breastfeeding. so far so good. our resolve, to re establish good eating habits and make breastfeeding a reward. this way i lessen my breastfeeding sessions and make sure he has enough nutrition from solids.

so, to wean or not to wean? mommy is ready but jm is not. i know in time, he will wean. in HIS time, as in all things :) till then, i pray for more patience to enjoy this journey with my son.

why back to basics?

2007-02-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

was thinking of what the best title would be for this blog? back to basics is perfect. this is where life is leading me now. while ending my fast paced corporate life had its financial tolls for a while, i never felt regret nor even missed any second of it. of course every once in a while i would want to experience again that once glamorous life of dining out, conferences, workshops and conventions in posh hotels, business trips all around the philippines and asia and leisure incentive trips all around the world. but, nothing can replace moments i have with my family, far from perfect, but one which i am truly proud of. i have a husband who's hardworking and supportive of my dreams, 3 sons who turn my world upside down with their bountiful energy & a now 6 month old princess whom i've waited for 13 years :)

if you even notice now, i'm used to writing all my comfortable stuff in small caps. even in all my yahoo groups, this is how i do it. it's how i want to be remembered... simple, yet full of substance. back to basics? (1)women at home, not at work, (2)babywearing, carrying your baby as often as possible, (3)breastfeeding, my strongest advocacy now specially that i have just been accredited as a la leche league leader, (4)natural childbirth, up & coming... i will study to teach this :)

so many plans still coming. even coming up with a post natal class which will teach mother's recovery, father's adjustment, child care basics and of course, breastfeeding.... all this apart from planning the most important events this year, ira's graduation, jm's 3rd and of course, kyle's 1st. things i really look forward to and keep me going despite all the daily challenges i face.