why?

after 2 years of silence and attempts to heal, the wound has been opened again.

in 2006, my only living brother (the other one died in a car accident in 1991) told me and my dad that he was about to marry. it was a girl whom he had been dating for i think over a year or two (i don't really remember as we rarely see her anyway). we then scheduled the pamanhikan, but we were given a gag order?!?
1. not to talk about the wedding
2. not to talk about them
3. not to talk about their future lives
hmmm... isn't this what is talked about during the pamanhikan? that actual occasion was super awkward.
i was then also cautioned not to help out in their wedding (i was not even offering any help) and so i didn't except in times where my brother asked for help. besides with a newborn baby, a toddler and 2 teenagers, i don't think i can handle such anyway. they even wanted mike, my husband, to be the emcee, but not including me. (of course, mike didn't agree).

i know what you're thinking... why? i wish i knew the answer. my brother and i are not particularly close though we are survivors of a fatal car crash which killed my mom and brother. but we are still siblings. we had no big reason to fight but we could have been closer. with my sil, hmm, i don't know her enough to even talk about her. as i said, we meet very rarely and we don't even talk much; hence, i do not see any reason for such and most specially what happens next.

wedding happened in december. by january, i was surprised to see her part of a network which she told me before her wedding she didn't want to join ("as it is only for those who do not know what they are doing"). so many messages were sent that were obviously meant to throw potshots at me. some examples (not verbatim):
1. denied us visa - she said i misrepresented myself or showed wrong documents
2. picture company (where we have tons of pictures with)- she said there is someone in the family who keeps on going there but have ugly pictures
3. stay at home mom - calls them 'losyang' and no brainers
and many more...

at the start, i never took offense nor replied back. however, friends (of course i had friends there, i'd been part of that network over 4 years at that time and had a chance to meet a lot of them through my breastfeeding work, balloons and events sideline) started noticing why this person keeps on saying bad things about what i am, what i do or where i'm at. i then felt the need to defend myself and sent messages only to defend, not to attack... it was getting overboard already.

by march, she hit quite some buttons already which offended my whole family... attacking even my husband. at this point, we decided to talk with my dad only for 2 reasons:
1. that my sil and i are not in good terms, and
2. that we will stay away first to avoid further confrontations and heal.
i did not even give details to my dad. against my wishes, my dad talked with my brother about it and my brother sent an apology email, though he still justified the wrong acts of the wife by saying that this is how she grew up in..

this could have ended here even if we felt that we were not given justice.

but it didn't. the day after the apology, she did 2 nasty things:
1. over my brother's apology email, sent an email to me, my husband, my dad & my stepmom saying that my brother, her husband, has no right to talk for her and that she is not sorry for what she's done... duh? doesn't the bible talk about submission? that was a big insult to my brother. and not sorry for what she's done?... hmm talk about barking at the wrong tree.. (or so i thought)
2. wrote a devilish email to the yahoogroups (this was a network 1000+ filipinos all over the world) calling me "whitney tyson" (talk about insulting the person), presumes i am competing with her calling me OLD (don't you just compete with people who are more successful than you), called me mayabang, talked about my upbringing and how i got pregnant at a young age and was left by my ex husband (an insult to my upbringing is an insult to my mom who brought us up very well. besides, she doesn't know the story behind me marrying early and annuling. with such a background, after falling on the ground, picking up the pieces and rising up again, do you call that "mayabang"). the rest is so disgusting you don't even wanna hear about it...

again, where is this coming from? i have no idea. i rarely see them and in the few times we do, she continually throws verbal potshots at me which even my elder sons have noticed already...

this was too much then. i responded to the group and introduced myself and forwarded her email to family and friends to show them what kind of a person this is...

i have always shown support to my family. but in this time when i needed their support, they failed to give it to me... hence, i chose to stick with friends who knew who i was and were willing to fight for me. it felt like i was being dragged down to the mud and my relatives cannot even offer a hand to me; lest, still have the guts to be nice to the person who did it to me... why?

we chose to continue being in family gatherings, asked help from a few relatives to have a confrontation and put a stop to all this. but nobody wanted to take a stand. they chose to be silent about it and "ayaw makialam". why?

they are prodding that i be the one to make ammends since i am the older one... for heaven's sake, my brother and i are both grown up now. until when should i adjust to him? when will he learn to ever fend for himself? i know that it is his responsibility to defend his wife, but i guess he also has a moral responsibility to his family to protect them from slanderous people who intends to hurt. besides, you don't have to like your in laws but you still have to respect them, right?

as the sundays, months, years went by, after so many attempts to talk with my brother and him cancelling on me, it already became overly unbearable to see her face, looking so 'meek' and 'kind', kissing relatives and exchanging stories...either they are plastic, or they have agreed to what she has done and all she has said... which is which? why? i noticed i have a physical reaction to her presence... she makes me puke.... 'nakakasuka', yuck!

still, i pray for forgiveness and acceptance. i have learned to live on my own, disconnect myself from non supportive people, and just continue living our lives. i was working on trying to understand why the people i love, my relatives, chose to act this way and not support me... why?

after over 2 years though, she has not stopped. i heard again slanderous things she has been saying, even to strangers, about us.
1. that my face looks like this because i was bitten by a dog (what's wrong with my face?)
2. "pareho lang sila ng mommy niya" (huh, she never even met my mom. this i got angry, "pag mommy na pinag usapan, walang ganyanan...")
3. that i owe her so much money (fyi, my brother asked me to safekeep money given to us by my dad. my dad has already given to them even more than this amount, hence, i don't owe them, i owe my dad)
4. that we do not have food in the house (hmm... so how come the friends of my kids are always here, overnighters, some even staying for long periods of time, like months)
5. that mike is not earning any money and that businesses have flopped (talk about proper etiquette, aren't you not supposed to talk about money and all)
6. that i only make friends with the rich (i have very poor friends too. i have some rich ones too, is this my fault. in fact, i have many friends)
so many more...

i mentioned this but not in detail to my lola and tita who were asking about how we were. apparently, it reached my dad's knowledge. despite this, he got angry with the person who squealed, not on my brother's wife. why? why? why?

i pray for answers and for forgiveness. i know that in the end, the LORD will vindicate us. but for now, i need to be more patient, get strength from people who feel i really matter in this world.

as for my brother, i miss him and love him dearly but we have to disconnect to protect ourselves. our doors are not closed when they decide to humble themselves and knock. they have a new baby now and i wish the baby well... my dad has been prompting me to help them, i called them but still said they don't need help. how can you help someone not asking for help?

yet, my dad still feels i am the one who needs to give way. why? i don't understand. can't he feel the stab wounds this girl has been giving me?

i pray the day of vindication comes soon... before all the hurt and anger goes away and i will feel nothing.

i pray that my sons do not have wives like her who will insult my daughter nor any one in my family. i also pray that if situations like this happen to my sons, they can handle it well by putting their foot down in matters such as these..

i pray... i believe... but for so long now, my heart is asking... why?

ninakawan kami!

i had to say it in tagalog because it sounds more emphatic that way...

this had been a crazy week for us. last friday, early am, our house had been entered by a robber who got some very valuable gadgets including my mac ibook g4, psp, my son's new cellphone, the same son's new adidas backpack, the same son's new mp4 (mostly his christmas gifts) and my husband's canon eos300 (which was one of our best wedding gifts).

the previous night had been busy for me since without a maid, i was doing a lot of housechores, the yaya was with jm & mike helping out with kyle. they played in the balcony for a while before sleeping. around 4am (i finished in the washing machine about 2am already), i had this instinct to check on my 2 big boys in their room right after a breastfeeding session with kyle. i didn't understand why as normally i am too tired to get up. i looked at them sleep for a while wondering how they had grown up so fast, now 14 & 12... then, i went back inside the room, went to the restroom for a while and slept at the foot of the bed (where i thought, now i can have a better sleeping position, i normally sleep between jm & kyle and most of the night feeding kyle which makes my back ache). a few minutes after i lay down, i heard my younger son screaming. i ran out thinking they were again arguing / fighting. the first words my eldest told me was, "ma, ninakawan tayo." i woke mike up and then saw the balcony door swung open. my heart sank when i saw the laptop missing. the cellphone & mp4 were easy to replace though the sentimental value of those being gifts were hard for my 2nd son. the psp, aside from it's value and being a gift to my husband, was painful to lose for my eldest son as he just spent about 4t on upgrading the unit, buying a 4gb memory stick and loading games plus new accessories.

good thing it was only some items... the new macbook was still there, our portable dvd player and stuff downstairs (mike's laptop, all our cellphones, ipod, my camera and photoprinter among others. obviously the robber climbed up our balcony and found the door open (maybe it wasn't pushed well when it was closed). half of me was thankful that all of us were safe and only a few items are lost. but the other half was scared because the psp and cellphone was just near the heads of my sleeping kids...

sunday morning, mike found out his camera was missing. this made the feeling worse. the last backup i made in the laptop was september so we lost all pictures thereafter plus some very important files. there are also pictures from the holidays in mike's camera which have not yet been downloaded....

barangay, then police, then soco came... but what do you expect? we have clear suspects but none was done...

i'm totally excited in moving to a condo in 2 months and migrating in a few years.... really, i understand that everything has a purpose.

jm passed big school

last tuesday, i postponed our cell group meeting. importantly to give way to jm's entrance exam at csa. i made sure he was able to take a good nap and lunch. his exam time was 2pm and was quite excited to go.
coming from makati med until 12nn, i passed by moa to exchange the damaged part of kyle's new high chair (bought last saturday) and have a quick kfc lunch which i craved for. left at 1pm and was expecting to arrive by 1:30. was on track with time as i got to bicutan exit by 1:15 but lo and behold, it took me more than 40 minutes to get out of that @#&^%!
we left home at 1:55, took skyway at lightning speed (there were no speed patrols, whew!) arrived in csa by 2:10. just in time actually. interview sheet said 2:15pm. jm was excited as he got out of the car, but started to shy away when he was being asked to step in the library of the kp dept alone...
it took kyle to go inside with a teacher (looked like she was the one taking the exam) and razel sweet talking jm to get in there. after 10 minutes, jm got out, shyness left him and was talking non stop again.
yes, he is in! payments needed to be made (full payment at that, thanks to credit cards that give a month before paying) to reserve the am slot 8-1030. jm won't survive the afternoon slot 12-230 as that's smacked in the middle of his nap time.
jm is an augustinian...like mommy, kuya ira & kuya tristan. who would have thought the answer to searching for the right school was this simple :)

merry christmas from the yabots

it's christmas season... and we have prepared for this one... our house is full of christmas decors...sort of like a goodbye, it's our last christmas at this home...
gifts are all wrapped awaiting their tags which are to be printed soon... sending cards to relatives and friends far away using the above photo. so excited to give them all away.
it was a difficult christmas pictorial at picture company... but as always...worth it!

i've been hacked

it's been over a month since i noticed that my web has been going hayward. first, my mail account. initially, i thought that there was just a problem with yahoo since i was being deleted from yahoogroups. after having been unsubscribed 2x and resubscribed again, i then began to notice that this coudln't have been a virus. a whole folder was missing and certain emails regarding a particular person and topic. by this time, i also noticed that all the yahoo groups i have been dismembered had in one way or the other, connections with this **$%@!!

then, my webshots. i just posted kyle's birthday pictures and our is trip which was a lot of pictures. i update that regularly so we have over 2 years worth of pictures there. the last post was pictures of our house and the stuff we were selling. one time, an interested buyer just texted me that there should be an error with the web address that i gave. because it says "no uploaded photos". i checked right away and voila! all my photos are gone... with captions, etc.

then now this blog. so many posts are missing... the picture company, kyle's birthday preparation, our us trip, etc. etc.. etc...

i must be one hell of an important person for someone to hack me. but whoever it was, i sure wish lightning strike at this very moment. nonetheless, i know that the Lord will vindicate those who obey...

new imac

we have a new imac and it's pretty! 20" screen, and super fast 2.4ghz. cost us a lot but looks like it's well worth it. quite excited specially for iphoto because of ilife 08 and finally, i have adobe photoshop cs2 loaded in a good computer (meaning it won't crash while i'm editing). also, no need to deal with neo office anymore, back to ms office word, excel and powerpoint... i'm back to nice presentations :)

we haven't really tested it's full potential but i'm enjoying checking my mail and writing this blog. this is a great christmas gift for the whole family. even jm enjoys just watching me type now :)

gotta rush though. need to rush to makati med and see some newborn mommies :)

mini updates

hectic times...busy days!

1st on list - new church!
we've finally found a church we all enjoy. after ira attended one of the teen workshops last year, it has really been on our minds but the final push was the invitation of a very famous personality, cb. don't get me wrong! we didn't go there because of her. just found out during one of our meetings that she goes to church there and i was quite impressed with the warmth that she has shown. from inviting us to a whole family clan lunch at the canteen (which turned out to be very enjoyable despite its plain-ness), to saving us front row seats, to giving me numerous christian books and a mom's devotional bible. she also invited me to attend her ladies cell group and the couple's cell group (which is currently being worked out). ira and tristan have also found one that they enjoy, a youth service that caters to teens. too bad jm is not yet in sunday school. so happened that the service we attend is taglish; hence, he cannot understand the sunday school. i guess we'll have to shift him to another time. nonetheless, he enjoys attending and singing praises with us. he even laughs at some of the pastor's antics (as if he understands). ira and tristan have also been inviting their friends to attend youth service on saturdays plus a cell group right after. we really don't want to miss any service as we enjoy and get to learn a lot about our faith...

kyle...as she grows
kyle will be 15 months old tomorrow. with one length hair covering her eyes and upto her nose (we don't want to cut bangs because if we do, it'll have to be bangs all the way), she is now enjoying a lot of stylish clothes (which i got from the states plus some hand me downs from cousins sam & bettina and of course, gifts from her birthday). she is now able to do baby signs for airplane, milk, more, bird, cat, dog...point out to all her body parts when called out... say daddy, mama, kuya, yaya, tita and a lot of sound effects...eats anything that is put on her mouth (except yogurt...which is quite opposite from kuya jm. still breastfed. walks very fast but sometimes still wobbly. loves baby einstein and little einstein (with kuya jm). still 4 teeth but we see another 4 peeping out. hugs and kisses generously. really a sweetheart to a brood of kuyas.

starstruck!
being with a famous personality tends to lift your feet off the ground. but i am amazed at her humility, warmth and open heartedness. seemed too good to be true. but it really is happening. life changing for us as it changed the way i see myself, introduced us to a church that will unite our whole family and helps me with my advocacy with her good publicity. i'm giving her some milk for her cute little s and would try to do so until he is 6 months old. cannot promise though as my milk is also dwindling and i have to donate sometimes to sick infants in makati med.

doctor?
speaking of makati med, i now work as a consultant, giving breastfeeding advice to all moms who gave birth there. i am totally enjoying my job. imagine, doing my advocacy, getting paid for it without moving too much around. this way, i am also able to reach more moms and catch them at that most crucial stage of just gave birth. i also wear a white coat (courtesy of cb) and is most of the time called mistakenly as doctor (which is music to my ears). who would have thought that after turning my back from medicine about 15 years ago, i would still work in a hospital.. haha! but more than anything, breastfeeding is truly the way to go... and i need to do something to make the numbers go higher.

jm soon in csa...
after that gymboree experience, we tried putting him back to playschool but really doesn't enjoy it at all. so, we tried kumon which he seems to be liking very much. since we're also moving to taguig, very near csa, and no plans of permanent stay in the philippines, we are now seriously considering csa. that way, kuyas are there too. besides, i know with his personality, he can thrive in a big, traditional school. of course, i will still keep the esteban option open.

business opportunities
aside from selling stuff here and there, i see 2 opportunities which may click very well. the first is with cb and anj, to open a niche baby store. the 2nd is to open a woman wellness center which can offer pregnancy, lactation massage, breastfeeding help, etc with ninang dona.

adoption...full steam ahead
all papers now ready for ira and tristan's change in surname. just awaiting new submission of documents of mike (the first ones have expired already) then we can expect their names changed next year... yahoo!

christmas in my home
since it's our last christmas at this beautiful house, we are making the most of it. set up our christmas tree during the last week of october and gifts almost complete and wrapped. we are excited yet feel a bit nostalgic. but i know, everything will be for the better :)